E99 - For The Glory Of The Motherland
Over the past three or so months, I've found myself quite enthralled with Singularity in an anticipation that I haven't felt in a very long time. The game came out last Tuesday, much to my enjoyment. It's about as damned near perfect as any damned near perfect game has come.
Allow me to explain myself. It's near perfect, but it has a few glaring issues that slow it down, at least for the modern age we're in. Minor details that, for whatever reason, the developers left out. The ones that come to mind are; no subtitles, no way to quick save, no ripple effect on the water, small explosions with minimal destructive evidence, and there's no co-op multiplayer. I'm not sure why this game is deficient in so many crucial elements. Perhaps a lot of those can be patch fixed, but some might need DLC or a sequel. I would hope this game would get those, cause if the graphics got up to par and it had a RE5 style co-op system, I'd be all down for that.
I was really scared at first. It was a game that, based entirely on it's gameplay videos, promised innovation and a fantastic game mechanic. What they did was copy/paste the absolute best parts of all the best FPS games in the last fifteen years. all in all, the only really new thing is the "Time Locks" and the story. Everything else has been done by Bioshock, Wanted, Half-Life 2, etc. But it's all stuck together so seamlessly. It's damn near perfection. Luckily, it doesn't come off as dated or old and, if the boss fights are any indication, it's really quite epic. It does have a problem where the difficulty randomly spikes or the puzzles aren't quite clear, but those are few and far between. Probably one of the best games I've ever played. Now to check out the multiplayer.

Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey

Logging Is A Hazardous Occupation
I never update here, haha. I probably should... I need to make my own template here so it looks better. Maybe link all my pages over. That'd be nice. *Shrug* Anyway, it's unimportant. I'm just gonna try to remember to update more. Somehow. God help us all.

I've been playing Alan Wake fairly seriously the last few days, and it's kinda getting me back in writing mood. Monday through Wednesday here I'm gonna be up in a cabin. Taking my iPod on the off chance that I'll get a stroke of genius, and if I do; I'm gonna wanna write down and maybe save it. Maybe. Here's hoping.

The important thing is that it has me wanting to write again. If only because Alan Wake is exactly the kind of story I try to write anyway. It's really cool. Except maybe furry. I can't tell. I'm not very good at writing furry stories. I guess it's mostly that I figure "I'm not writing about anything a human can't do, why should I specify that they're not human if it doesn't matter?" These are the questions that plague my writing.

Omega-3 Fatty Acids Are Good For Your Heart!!!!

I butcher DnD

the ground parts and from it there is a palatable darkness, reaching forth from the core of the planet, although nothing is visible, an overwhelming sense of evil echoes from the cataclysms of nothingness. The trees wilt and the flowers die, clouds form over and begin the thousand years of darkness. The end is nigh.

roll for initiative


Archemorus rolls a 17 and passes his willpower check. He steps back from the darkness and runs towards a small cottage, clasping the Valkyrie Blade from the hilt. What is your next move?


- Archemorus, 02:45 -

* Archemorus ventures forth into the inky blackness of the chasm, watching creatures incomprehensible in purpose and form, feeling the material plane grow more distant with each passing step, he brandishes the sword in defiance.


- Lunari, 02:47 -

the Valkyrie Blade shines amongst the void, illuminating the path before him and revealing the demonic beasts that lay before him. They cower in fear of the legendary sword, yet their purpose is clear. A doppleganger leaps from the darkness, aiming to strike at Archemorus.


- Archemorus, 02:48 -

My weapon manifests rank 1 Aberration Banemagic, and I unleash a flurry of strikes





- Lunari, 02:50 -

The beast is halted momentarily, having taken substantial damage, yet quickly recuperates and charges back, this time sinking and becoming a shadow on the path, creeping ever faster at Archemorus.


- Archemorus, 02:53 -

* Archemorus uses focused perception, concentrating my facilities so my power of sight can pierce the darkness, hearing a sound, growing like a wisp of smoke, steadily into a great and terrible cascading tremble.



Total:16 perception check failure


- Lunari, 02:54 -

The monster leaps from behind Archemorus and raises it's mighty claw, swiftly bringing it down across his back, dealing a critical amount of damage. Archemorus is tainted with the Darkness. 85hp remains.



- Archemorus, 02:58 -

* Archemorus is knocked from the path keeping him anchored in known planes of being, and falls into the ether's blackness, or rather, it's infinite reaches of nothingness, for no words could describe the lack of anything to perceive, even with the blade as he fell. He moves to stop himself with thought, and not lose himself to oblivion.

Resistance check



Total:15 passed


- Lunari, 02:59 -

Archemorus pulls himself up from the cliff where the doppleganger waits in anticipation, a long silvery tongue reaching out to lick his disgusting and jagged mouth. He bares his claws and prepares to strike once more. He charges forth, raising his arm high for a final blow.


- Archemorus, 03:01 -

* Archemorus crouches and uses Skewer Foe, impaling the beast as he thrusts his arms outward with the light emitting blade, wholly unknown pain fills the creature.

Roll(2d20)+34 strength:

16,11,+34 strength



- Lunari, 03:05 -

The monster is slain and lets out a howl so disgusting and demonic that man's ears cannot begin to perceive it. It falls limply, hanging from the blade before becoming a black whisp and absorbing into the handle of the Valkyrie Blade, increasing it's illuminating properties and adding +1 to the swords attack power. The path before Archemorus is more visible as it spirals down into the

void of darkness. It becomes apparent to him that the stone he walks upon is not stone but rather fossilized skulls compressed into a walkway. A small shield lays embedded in the walkway, piercing one of the unfortunate skulls.


- Archemorus, 03:06 -

* Archemorus pries the shield from the ground, and equips himself with it, increasing his defense by +12

* Archemorus gains Shield of Consternation


- Lunari, 03:07 -

A ghastly howl echoes forth from the depths of the unending chasm as the hive feels it's loss. The creatures of the depths grow angry.


- Archemorus, 03:11 -

* Archemorus breaks into a run down the path, feeling a growing sense of dread as he reaches what must the the nexus of the realm, The emptiness gives way to what could only be described as billowing clouds of flesh and bone, churning to form a discernable physical prescence to face it's combatant. tears in the realm itself form along it's center, as if to form eyes.

* Archemorus It feels as if entire planes shriek silently in anticipation of catastrophe, the very realm coalescing itself in abhorrance to Intrusion.


- Lunari|DMFarce, 03:18 -

The eyes turn a fiery red as they glare furiously at the mortal before them. A great, billowing voice speaks in an ancient tongue, translated in the mind of Archemorus as a disgusting whisper. "A foolish mortal such as yourself can not possibly hope to defy me. I am all things, the destroyer of worlds and dimensions alike. I am the one that even existence itself fears, and I have bee

n unleashed. You will fall and cease like all others in all of space and time!"


- Archemorus, 03:21 -

* Archemorus launches furiously at his foe rolling for Staggering Critical.





- Lunari|DMFarce, 03:25 -

The great monster materializes, a 50 foot tall demon, straight from the depths of nightmarish hell, clasping Archemorus' sword and reeling back, unexpectant of the power of the Valkyrie Blade. He snarls and becomes a whisp once more, changing forms and standing, 6 feet tall behind Archemorus, whispering once more into his ear "Why would you try to attack me? I see that you are powerful

. Join me. Become a Shadow and lead my armies to victory." Persuasion effect critical; roll for willpower resistance.


- Archemorus, 03:31 -

Roll(3d20)-28 enemy persuasion:

13,5,18, -28 enemy persuasion

Total:8/20 resist failure


- Lunari|DMFarce, 03:32 -

Archemorus is swayed by the demon, and turns towards him, plunging his sword and shield into the skull pathway. He swears allegiance to the beast. Darkness engulfs him, possessing his body and coloring him into a black, demonic creature. Archemorus class change from Warrior to Demon Lord.


- Archemorus, 03:50 -

* Archemorus lounges upon his everchanging throne upon the nexus, fading in and out of corporeal perception as he draws more and more pieces of bone and stone himself, removing the path out to the rip to the material plane, and entrenching himself within a cavern of morphing blackness.


- Lunari|DMFarce, 03:51 -

A new age of darkness descends upon the world as everlasting night dawns. The people scream and run in fear as the dark throne rises and with it a thousand monstrosities and horrors beyond imagination. The Final War begins.


- Ero, 04:05 -

With wild eyes, I glance upon the throng of unyielding creatures. There blaze of wild hate and anger create panic in those of use that are not brave.

I poll my sword from its scabbard and point it skyward in a glorious hail to tho gods of war, in hope they will bestow Upon me the berserker rage.


- Lunari|DMFarce, 04:07 -

A light pierces the darkness and engulfs Ero, filling his body with an impenetrable power. Two lesser demons charge at him.


- Ero, 04:08 -

I charge with sword at the ready... and pierces the first creature as it dies in agony.


- Lunari|DMFarce, 04:09 -

The second beast leaps high into the air and pounces down at Ero, hell bent on eviscerating him.


- Ero, 04:12 -

I glance at the creature just soon enough to pull my sell away from its grasp... the take my sword with its white hot blade and spin to lop off its head.

I scream at the top of my lungs at the throng of creatures "Is that all you got!"


- Lunari|DMFarce, 04:13 -

The corpses around him explode into a gaseous whisp and dissipate into the air. A beast slides into the shadows and connects to Ero's shadow, attempting to manipulate his moves. Physical Resistance Check.

Ero rolls 1d20 and gets 3. He fails the resistance check and the evil darkness consumes him, quickly and painfully eroding his physical form and rendering him into mere dust. Ero is dead.


- Archemorus, 04:25 -

* Archemorus keeps trying to corrupt the sword within his growing tomb, drawing more and more power to himself in the effort


- Lunari|DMFarce, 04:26 -

Unchallenged, the armies grow ever stronger, storming the villages and slaughtering millions upon billions of innocent townsfolk. Though many resist, they seemingly all fail.

Time passes and after devouring the souls of billions and converting them for his evil ways, the Demon and his new Evil Prince, Archemorus, send out the darkness, controlling and dominating all that ever is or was or could have been, annihilating it all and sending all of existence into unending destruction.

A Moment Suspended In Time
“So soft,” was all I could say, biting my lip not to cry, “your hair is so soft.” I held her head in my lap, smoothing her hair, and keeping it out of her eyes. I looked down into her eyes and saw the most intense fear. There was nothing I could think of to say, there was nothing I could do, but sit there and brush her hair. “So soft.”
In her left eye was a sunny day in July, sitting under a tree. I held her in my hands that same way, only there was happiness, love, and beauty. She whispered to me “I love you.” She smiled at me. “I love you forever.” And all I said was “me too.” My voice squeaked. All I said was “me too.”
In her right eye was a dark room, barely lit by moon and candles. Sounds, rather than words, were exchanged in the night. Two years building up to that moment. A moment I will hold forever in my heart. A moment suspended, forever, in time.
In her quivering lips was a movie theatre, a half-man, half-robot on his way to destroy some great evil. And I not paying attention to it, but rather her and those lips.
In her nose was all the flowers I’d ever given her. Every bouquet, single flower, every one we’d planted together, all of them. A field, a grove, a forest of beautiful flowers, none so great as her.
In her whole face was the best times I’d ever had. I looked back up into her eyes and saw fire. I saw determination, I saw courage, and it gave me courage. I grabbed her hand and squeezed. “I love you.” I said. “Forever.” She closed her eyes, closed her mouth, and her nose did not flare again. I brushed her hair only a moment longer. A new moment, the best moment, the last moment.

Hell is empty, the devils are here!

A Bench In Central Park
A Bench In Central Park
by Miles Dawson
It’s been years since I’d last been here. Central Park is now less than a shell of what it used to be. Dust and broken planks blanket the old land, but one single bench still stands, dusty and dull. I sat on it, hearing its creak. I gazed out over the new, barren wasteland. All of it dust, all of it a disgusting nightmare for the sinuses, all of it a strange and disgusting memoir of it’s old, glorious, polluted city.
This is the New York of the future.
“And where are you?” I say as I kick a small ball of rubble. “Where did you go?” But I don’t really believe that you can hear me. I don’t think that you made it out. But I think I’ll still wait, at least until I’m convinced. I’ll still sit and wait. You’ve got to come some time. “These December winds,” I shrug, “they always get to me…” You always used to say that. If you were here now, this wind would push you over the edge. There was a heavy breeze at the moment. It certainly was warmer than the last December that you had said that.
I got up and walked.
I came to where our apartment used to be. Now it’s just a pile of bent metals and rubble, millions of memories buried in the wake of destruction. I stood there, hands in pocket, staring at the pile of what once was.

“What are you doing?”
“Just staring at you. You’re so beautiful. Do you know that?”
“Oh stop!”
“I’m serious. You’re beautiful.”
“Hmm. Thanks.”
“You know you are.”
“Yeah. Love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Let’s go.”
“I don’t want to go to your brothers’ party.”
“Why not?”
“He’s always got his drinking buddies over, they always sneak out and get drunk.”
“So, I’d rather if we went to his party and he was there.”
“Fine, whatever, let’s just go catch a movie.”

I had to turn away. That was a night I’ll never forget. Not ever. I sat on a somewhat withstanding piece of stone and sat. I let my mind wander, waiting, expecting nothing to happen. Obviously nothing did. Nothing ever does anymore.

“They’re… They’re evacuating the city.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“You have to, you’ll die if you don’t!”
“I have lived here my whole life! I’m not going to die somewhere else!”
“You’re so damn stubborn!”
“I’m not dying somewhere else.”
“… I’m leaving. I’ll be at the dock. The ship leaves at six.”
“Good bye.”
“Well are you going or not?”
“… I love you.”

I hate this city. I’ve been trying to leave it for years now. I had once chance, but I guess that’s gone. It left when you did. You know that I’ll be in Central Park, waiting for you, on our bench. You know the one. Maybe when you get there we can talk again. It has been months.
I went there today. I sat down and waited. I let my mind reflect, recounting that day. Everybody was screaming and running. All the cars stopped and everybody just ran. I looked out my window and saw an ocean of bodies cascading over the land, running to the docks. It was seven-thirty. I sat back in the recliner with a bottle of Captain Morgan, turned on some of the old DVD’s I’d wanted to watch for a while now and finally watched them. I had to turn the volume to almost full blast because the howls of the damned threatened to drown out “Gone with the Wind.”
And then it was bright.
I woke up in a metal room. There was one man there; he was tired. He had taken me to some sort of a bomb shelter. We stayed there for three whole weeks. He had died of a tumor, I strongly believe, about a week before I had left the shelter. From there I wandered forth. It’s been three years of going from failed shelter to failed shelter getting food, resting, and remembering. I’m pretty sure that I’m alone. I wish you were here.

“So, you got anyone that’s… You know… Up there?”
“Yeah, just one.”
“What’s their name?”
“That’s a nice name.”
“Yeah… She got to the docks in time for the ship.”
“Really? Lucky.”
“I guess so… I don’t think the ships made it anywhere though.”
“No, they should have left much earlier. I think they went down with the rest of the armada.”
“You okay? I didn’t mean to…”
“No, I’ll be fine. Is there anymore applesauce or something, I’m starved.”

Are you at the docks? Did you decide to stay there? You know that I’ll be at our special place, right? It’s our bench. I’ll be there for you.
I think I’ll go to the docks, maybe you are there. I went and got a small boat that had survived. It was a rowboat, but it would have to suffice. I rowed outward to no where in particular, just out. Direction wise, I would have to guess southeast.
I don’t really know why I went, didn’t expect anything to happen, I didn’t expect to meet anybody in the middle of the ocean, and I didn’t really expect to find you.
I think I was just tired of the God forsaken city.
After about three hours I stopped. I lay back in the boat and waited for anything to happen. But I just fell asleep.

I woke up on a beach and saw a sign that said “Florida.” I need to get back to the bench, I would kill myself if I missed you at the bench. What if you get there when I’m not there?

“Can we just sit and rest a while?”
“Yeah, sure honey.”
“Aw… Aren’t the birds so pretty? Especially when they sing.”
“All except the pigeons.”
“The pigeons are birds too, just as much as a swallow or a blue jay!”
“Yeah, but they’re annoying, and they poop on everything.”
“So does a Bald Eagle.”
“Yeah, but Bald Eagles are cool.”
“Isn’t this bench just perfect? It’s right here, by all the trees, right on the turn of the path.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“You can see everybody coming, everybody going. The birds, trees, children playing, and you can hardly hear the city.”
“It’s kinda nice.”

The day is coming close. In a week it’s our anniversary and I need to be there by then. Even if you aren’t.

It was a lot of walking and I’m deathly tired, but I made it. I’m at the bench, sitting, waiting. I can see where all the plants used to be. I can even hear the birds in the back of my mind. I can hear you in the back of my mind. If only you were here, then it would be perfect. I can’t wait to see you again.
And then there you were. In the same jeans and jacket you had left in, you were here again. You were walking up out of the dust, here. I sat upright, stunned by your presence.

“You are here.”
“I told you I would be.”
“It took me so long to get back here.”
“I’ve been waiting for so long for you.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“I know. I know, and I’m so happy.”
“Me too.”

I really am so glad that you’re here. Now we can be happy forever.
So we just sat there on that bench. It’s just the two of us together. My arm around you, your head on my shoulder, it’s just the two of us. We just sat there, on a bench in Central Park.</p>

For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil?

A Boombox Is Not A Toy
I love how The Lonely Island's view of utopia is everyone wearing fingerless gloves. And that makes me smile.
So I've spent a lot of time the last week or two playing more Borderlands (as if you hadn't noticed my total lack of updating) and leveling up and finally beat the game. Upon completion of the game, I was able to spot out many of the RPG Elements that it's stolen from brothers like Final Fantasy X and the Fallout series. Yes, it is a game riddled with homages to every other game ever made, but it's the best kind of tribute. One that's better than those it's trying to pay recognition to. And that's excellent.
Without spoiling any story portions of the game, let's just say that anyone who's played an RPG will probably facepalm at the ending that they hadn't guessed it before, but won't be particularly surprised. Borderlands proves time and again that it's a real rpg and it's to be taken seriously as one. And that's excellent.
In other ways to waste time, I got a hold of the demo for Just Cause 2 and I have to say it's pretty beautiful. The graphics of this game are somewhat remeniscent of Far Cry, but it looks like everything I imagine when I think "Next-Gen Gaming." The sand is beautiful, the trees are excellently crafted, everything about the game is stunning and beautiful. Hell, it is a Squenix game. The best part is that the gameplay is just as fluid and excellent as any game I've played in a while. Now, it was a demo, so there was some pretty excellent glitches that allowed me to fall form a helicopter from the edge of the skyline and land flat on my face on the concrete below without taking damage, but again, these are the kind of fun glitches at only add to the game. Yes, it's unrealistic, but it's so damned fun that I don't think I care.
But I've been spoiled lately and I've recently found myself as a trend-follower with games like Fallout 3, Borderlands, Just Cause 2, etc. They're all sandbox games. The concept used to be so rare; there was Grand Theft Auto and a couple of clones that maybe didn't work, but now the scene is just grandiose in it's diversity. And yes, for RPG games, you could say it's more of an offline MMO feel, but in reality, that's just a sandbox game. You can go anywhere and do anything. That's what next-gen gaming is about. No restrictions. The games are beautiful, the abilities are endless, the story is awesome, and the gameplay is seamless. This is why I think Just Cause 2 is the closest thing to a "Best Game Ever Made" than almost any other game on the market today. If Borderlands removed the level cap and continuously released add-on content to continue the story and put more significant focus on the story, it would probably be the number one contender. Hell, throw in more melee weapons, deeper physical character customization, back off the fucking cel-shaded bullshit, and not lose any of it's humor or gameplay integrity, it would easily be the best game ever. I already have trouble finding a good contender.

Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger

Three Rights Make A Left
So if you think doing two wrongs is how to make a right, just make sure to keep going left. Eventually, you'll make a right. It's simple reasoning skills.
This all being said, I have a few mixed feelings about some of the stuff on my list to blabber about today. First off is that Furaffinity has decided to make an "All Encompasing Introduction To The Furry Fandom." Apparently, they get asked rather often much to my surprise. Either way, I don't think it matters. Some of the subjects of the fabled intro seem a bit touchy especially considering it's going to be a completely open to the public release. My fur stands on end.
The reason I have such a problem with this is because the fandom already doesn't have the best reputation in the world, and I'm not very sure how continuing to make these stupid guides is going to serve as more than just trash-fodder for lowly journalists. Or maybe it'll slip under the goddamned radar. Furaffinity is no Sam Fisher. Furaffinity is not a Splinter Cell. God speed if it gets everyone off our back, but basically broadcasting that the fandom is sexually open and very highly populated by sexuality isn't going to be a good way to overcome younger furs feeling awkward or pressured or even ostracized. I can't imagine this being something one would show to their parents to "come out" as being a furry with.
Or maybe it's meant to be a private "psst, here's some help" as opposed to "Come one, come all, look at the awesome Furry Fandom!" These are both still left in the open. On one hand, it would have been great for me to know sites like FA and e621.net existed before having to scramble through shitty Sonic porn and bad artists and been able to jump right to Shiuk or Sapphwolf but I make do with how I have. That's enough for me.
Still, it can't be quite as embarassing as having to live in a world where compromise in the form of Seperate But Equal is commendable. It baffles me that despite all we've come through, that can be considered forward thinking. There are people claiming that even allowing gays to be, essentially, isolated and herded like cattle is potentially hazardous for our military. General James Conway says, straight forward "I would not ask our Marines to live with someone who is homosexual if we can possibly avoid it," and that seems pretty far off from "equality."
But any victory is a victory, when it comes down to it. So now homosexuals have the right to fight for a country that treats them as though they were in quarantine. God help me when we get our first "all gay platoon" and God help us all if they turn out to be flamers. The last thing I really want to see is for a bunch of creepy gay people to really fuck it up for the normal ones. Even though it's not what we want, if this is enough of a compromise for us to worm in and try to prove ourselves as non-inhibiting* or creepy, then that's enough for me.
On a slightly lighter note, this movie looks fucking awesome. Not really awesome in the "stand the test of time" kind of ways, just funny in that "Oh my God, this movie is insane" kind of ways. The kind of ways movies get popular lately, and that's by making college kids piss their pants laughing. And isn't that the best kind of joke?

*Defense Secretary Robert Gates has launched a lengthy study to determine how to allow gays to serve openly without hurting military effectiveness. Link

Nikola Tesla was the Electric Jesus

So Descartes Walks Into A Bar...
I suppose for the sake of your sanity I should finish that? So Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, 'The usual?' Descartes replies 'No, I don't think...' and disappears. Google it.
Being terrifically poor, I often find my lecherous form skulking about the bargain bin in the local Gamestop much like some sort of Covert King or any number of pre-now sports games and it is in here that I've managed to acquire a copy of BulletWitch. It's not a bad game by any means, let me say that for any of you who saw that knappy 5.5 on it's score. It's a bit tedious, unclear, and easy so let it be faulted for being an HD N64 game, when it comes right down to it.
But my point really is that this game only cost me 7.54 and that's really not a horrible price for the game. Given the price, the game borders on excellent, especially since I can slip into gamestop here within the next four days, turn it in, and it's no dent in my pocket. There's an entire cage of decent to excellent games available for under fifteen dollars that people ignore. I've seen families blister right on past it and look over at me with the sort of disgust that one gives to a hobo with a half-eaten banana peal in his mouth digging through the trash. But fuck them, cause there's some legitimate gems in that bin and, quite frankly, I'm more than a tiny bit uncomfortable at the prospect of shelling out sixty dollars for a game. I don't need to live ritzy and lavish to enjoy videogames and BulletWitch is at least a testament to that. It's fun, it's quirky, it's pretty, and it was less than eight dollars. That family that trudged past me, ever so disgusted by my refusal to suck "The Man's" fat, veiny dick, shelled out one hundred and twenty dollars and only had two games to show for it. I spent lunch-money and got a game of similar quality to them.
The absolute worst part is that these are the kind of people that sit there, let out a long and drawn out groan as they fork over their debit card to pay the hefty fee for their high quality leisure, and lament the American Economy. It took literally everything in my body to not grab a copy of Saints Row 2 and Fallout 3 and repeatedly beat them over the head with them. If I weren't afraid that I'd damage a masterpiece like Fallout 3 in the process then trust me, their proverbial ass would be grass. I suppose it's just some disease I have where I'm born with common sense that allows me to determine that if I'm too poor to buy the latest game, I can usually make do with a game made just like it a few years ago.
Of course, I also have a difficult time being able to support any family that is willing to buy their child a game like Left 4 Dead 2 and a year of Xbox Live Gold. No, it's not out of some anti-violence crusade or equally belligerent bullshit, I just can't quite wrap my head around the concept of an eight year old kid who not only coerced his parents to buy him a game like Left 4 Dead 2, but seduced them out of the 50 bucks it takes for a year of Xbox Live Gold. It absolutely baffles me. When I was eight, I couldn't even get my parents to get an internet beyond dial-up. Fuck, I couldn't get them to get me a console that wasn't already almost 7 years old, let alone a brand new game. By the time I was 13 I finally was able to convince my parents that "Resident Evil isn't THAT bad" but Left 4 Dead? That shit wasn't happening.
Just as aggravating is these kids playing Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 Super Deluxe Edition Go America Silver! Oh, wait, sorry, the official release didn't have a 4 in it, did it? It's as bad as fucking skeet fighter. And yeah, that link is extremely NSFW and pornographic, so watch out. Anyway, it just seriously bothers me that these ridiculously young kids are playing a game like this anyway for a few reasons, most of which I might get yelled at about, but the fact is that the online gaming world is plagued with punkasses like myself who grew up on shit like Counter.Strike and aren't really going to care if your "mommy doesn't like the f-word." Honestly, the last little kid who said "Don't say that word, it makes me sad" I literally replied "Well, you'll be hearin your mom scream it all night while I plow her cunt." Yeah, the online gaming world is no place for people under 16 at the very least.
One reason, and this is the one people might bitch at me about, is that violence in videogames does de-sensitize us to it. Bitch all you want about "no concrete studies" or "It's just a videogame, if they can't tell the difference between real life and a game, they were fucked to begin with" but the more photorealistic these games get, the harder it is to blur the line, and these games get so damn realistic that if you were to see the same shit in real life, you might not be able to tell the difference. All I'm saying is that between 8 and 16 is far too developmental a period for these kids to be playing games like Modern Warfare, Left 4 Dead 2, or any game that isn't on the Wii. Anyone under 8 probably shouldn't even try to play a game that isn't Super Mario Bros. The NES game. 8-bits, mutha-fukka!

"Hey baby, I wish I were DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes"

I Should Never Sleep
I've heard, from multiple sources, that sleep is for the weak. As a mustilid, this inherintly worries me, but I suppose I'll survive.
The reason for my recent revelation of nocturnal inconvenience is that apparently some politicians keep their promises and they seem to do it while I sleep. I've missed many major historic events for the same reason. Slept right through 9/11, had a two day napping spree when we caught Saddam Hussein, not only slept through the major parts of the election but was in the middle of dreaming quite literally of gumdrops and sugar canes when Obama took office, and woke up to the revelation that God Of War III was released. It is of interesting note that, while I stayed awake for most the game, I was snoozing and woke to the news that a certain Zeus as people call him had been slain. I must stop sleeping.
I didn't personally buy the game, I don't have nearly the funds or the correct hardware for such an endeavour, but luckily my roommate and one of my friends seem to collectively hold ownership over the necessary materials. Their powers combined, I am Kratos.
The game, as anyone who's played Devil May Cry might suspect, involves you, hacking, slashing, and the slaying of deities. Unfortunately, not a very wide variety. But I suppose slaying Zeus himself is more than I expected out of most games. Ending could have been a little less cheesy, but then again, I have won guitar battles against Satan himself. He has trouble with the fingertaps. Hooves make that difficult, as I've proven with multiple friends in zebra suits. As such, I often suspect my less-talented friends of being zebras in friend suits, but this is an experiment for a later date.
Gameplay wise, it's nothing new. It's certainly fun and that's what's truly important, the fluid visuals of it bordering on artistic at times, and the puzzles themselves are quite interesting and fun. One of which, quite literally, is a piece of art. Lo and behold, it's not even lame. The game is pretty, which one should expect from a game exclusive to the Playstation 3. Or as I call it, the motherfucking powerhouse. Excuse my French, as the saying goes.
But enough about a game I only played myself for a whopping forty five minutes. Of course, this implies that I'm going to talk about a game that I have played for an extensive amount of time and, if anyone knows me, this sentence heavily implies that talk of Zombie Genocide as it relates to malls, carnivals, swamps, rain, and N'awlins.
I've often cited my gameplay hours of Left 4 Dead 2 at being 500+ and this is for two reasons, one of which is that there is no counter for how long I've played, and the other is for fear that this game has managed to consume 1000 hours of my life but in both cases I should warn you to make no mistake, I am severely underestimating.
Recently I have found myself caught in the throws of Dark Carnival, a snapshot of the Zombie Apocalypse taking place in scenic Non-Descript South in a, as luck would have it, carnival. To answer the question of those of you who apparently live in caves much like myself and, I imagine, most of Kansas, yes, you do kill clowns. Repeatedly. There's even an achievement for punching them in the face 15 times to make their noses honk. It is called Cl0wnd. I can't make this shit up.
Anecdote aside, it's my least favorite level in the game and the finale, which has you in a pseudo-epic battle on a concert stage as metal music blares in the background, is my least favorite segment of the game. Here is actually an ample place for a side statement, as my online friend and I play this game a lot and have managed to rank up those fabled 500+ hours together. So as she and I are assisting this newcomer to the game, she starts talking to her husband about their proposed trip next month. I'm used to this, but it's become inhibiting to the situation, as two of our teammates are incapacitated and I'm alone trying to help them while she, quite literally, is sitting on the plane and chatting on her cell phone. We die, and she flies away to safety, but it is at this moment that I become fantastically aware of the fact that this game has become so commonplace for us, that we quite literally discuss vacations whilst we play where two months ago it was the sole black hole of our attention.
Have your PS3 study that, biotch.
What, I suppose, is most frighteningly evident of the gameplay hours we have in this game, is that our reaction is "Oh well, let's do it again" as though surviving the zombie apocalypse has merely become commonplace for us. The strange part is, it quite literally has.
It's far and away my favorite game in my library right now and we're not talking the school library, the city library, or even the county library here, we're talking the goddamned Barnes And Noble. There's been one other game in the course of history to do this to me, and it took the masterpiece five add-ons to amass the hours this takes. It is at this overpowering revelation that I realize there are people who do this hunched over their desk, eating cheetoh's, farting on themselves, and bragging about their level 45 Paladin. I stood up, turned off my Xbox, and went for a walk. I refuse to be a WoW head.

I Hate Ayn Rand
(Quote from Left 4 Dead)
So I woke up to three missed calls this morning, and for your pleasure and my torment, I shall now recount them.
I woke up at 8:15 AM to the God-awful buzz that my Blackberry manifests to grab my attention and, considering I've only been asleep for four hours by this point, I'm not exactly stoked at the idea of someone calling me. I answer the phone. Allow me to interlude for just a moment to ask you, the reader, one simple question. If a college calls you at 8:15 AM, are you inclined to tell them to fuck off? Needless to say when the person on the other end of the phone (which I should not credit them as being a person, as they were an automated voice message) begins her spiel of "I'm Tracy from Eagle Gate College" I don't give her much more of a grunt before I click the little button on my phone which has now become synonymous with "Fuck you." Somehow, by the grace of God, I manage to fall asleep.
It is now 10:24 AM and, once more, I hear and even feel the nasty, almost pestilent way my phone cries out to be answered. It is at this moment I consider abandoning having a phone. I check the number and it's, once again, one I don't recognize. Upon answering, Wells Fargo, a bank which I haven't had an account since August of 2009, has called me to mention that, by the way, my account is negative 60 bucks. As bamboozled as I am by that, I can't help but notice that after barely 6 hours of sleep, I still don't give a fuck. Sadly, it has made the top of my "Take care of this shit" list. And yes, I have one. Pictures will be made publicly available when I'm not a lazy prick. Somehow, yes magically even, I slip away into sleep once more.
It is 12:45 PM and for one more headache inducing moment my phone has decided that my dreams must take a backseat to whomever has decided that this is the most opportune time in the world to make contact with me. However this instance is the most infuriating one I can think of, for guess what pops up on my little screen. "UNKNOWN NUMBER." I have a hard time believing that in this day and age my phone genuinely can't retrieve a number. This leads me to believe that the number is being blocked (which I am right about, by the way. Spoiler alert) and so I opt to answer the phone, merely for the concept of bitching this kid out for wasting my time at 12:45 PM when I was in the middle of a fantastic dream. However, when I answer, it is an automated voice message from Chase. This tyrade requires a new paragraph.
Who in Gods name decided that to deliver an urgent message to a bank member; the call should be made from a hidden number. I don't answer hidden numbers, I honestly believe this is the first time I've answered a blocked number in years, and it was to bitch someone out. How many important messages have I missed because some dipshit is stupid enough to think "Hey, I have a great idea! Let's hide our information when we call people about important business!" I want to punch this man in the solar plexus.
I understand the theory. "People see a bank calling = people freak out" but the alternative is "people see a blocked number = people don't give a shit." So either way, nobody is answering your calls. Maybe that's just me though. Maybe there's a mass of people out there that see "Unknown Number" on their caller ID and think "Wow, this is so important that they blocked their number!" I don't get it.
Anyway, you can see that my day has not started well, and only has promise to descend into either raw madness, or some sort of depression induced euphoria. As much as I'm hoping for the latter, I don't believe that the human brain works that way. Perhaps I should ask someone. Because if that's the case, that's excellent. Unfortunately, I'd rather be genuinely happy than have to rely on my own misery for happiness.
One thing that does rather excite me is the prospect of Perfect Dark on the Xbox Live Arcade. I'll post a link at the bottom of the post, but it's pretty cool looking. It gives you the standard game, but does some pretty cool things to it. For instance, it allows for online co-op or versus, HDTV compatibility, higher sound quality, better frame rate, and, most importantly, Perfect Dark. It's only 800 Microsoft Points as well, which I think makes it a very good deal. What I'd like to see is for this game to sell so well, that it's online play is active constantly. I must acquire 800 points. Not to be a whore for Microsoft or anything.
http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/games/media/66acd000-77fe-1000-9115-d802584109c2/?cid=CRM_SN_FB_XBLA_101710_PD - LINK


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