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So Descartes Walks Into A Bar...
I suppose for the sake of your sanity I should finish that? So Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, 'The usual?' Descartes replies 'No, I don't think...' and disappears. Google it.
Being terrifically poor, I often find my lecherous form skulking about the bargain bin in the local Gamestop much like some sort of Covert King or any number of pre-now sports games and it is in here that I've managed to acquire a copy of BulletWitch. It's not a bad game by any means, let me say that for any of you who saw that knappy 5.5 on it's score. It's a bit tedious, unclear, and easy so let it be faulted for being an HD N64 game, when it comes right down to it.
But my point really is that this game only cost me 7.54 and that's really not a horrible price for the game. Given the price, the game borders on excellent, especially since I can slip into gamestop here within the next four days, turn it in, and it's no dent in my pocket. There's an entire cage of decent to excellent games available for under fifteen dollars that people ignore. I've seen families blister right on past it and look over at me with the sort of disgust that one gives to a hobo with a half-eaten banana peal in his mouth digging through the trash. But fuck them, cause there's some legitimate gems in that bin and, quite frankly, I'm more than a tiny bit uncomfortable at the prospect of shelling out sixty dollars for a game. I don't need to live ritzy and lavish to enjoy videogames and BulletWitch is at least a testament to that. It's fun, it's quirky, it's pretty, and it was less than eight dollars. That family that trudged past me, ever so disgusted by my refusal to suck "The Man's" fat, veiny dick, shelled out one hundred and twenty dollars and only had two games to show for it. I spent lunch-money and got a game of similar quality to them.
The absolute worst part is that these are the kind of people that sit there, let out a long and drawn out groan as they fork over their debit card to pay the hefty fee for their high quality leisure, and lament the American Economy. It took literally everything in my body to not grab a copy of Saints Row 2 and Fallout 3 and repeatedly beat them over the head with them. If I weren't afraid that I'd damage a masterpiece like Fallout 3 in the process then trust me, their proverbial ass would be grass. I suppose it's just some disease I have where I'm born with common sense that allows me to determine that if I'm too poor to buy the latest game, I can usually make do with a game made just like it a few years ago.
Of course, I also have a difficult time being able to support any family that is willing to buy their child a game like Left 4 Dead 2 and a year of Xbox Live Gold. No, it's not out of some anti-violence crusade or equally belligerent bullshit, I just can't quite wrap my head around the concept of an eight year old kid who not only coerced his parents to buy him a game like Left 4 Dead 2, but seduced them out of the 50 bucks it takes for a year of Xbox Live Gold. It absolutely baffles me. When I was eight, I couldn't even get my parents to get an internet beyond dial-up. Fuck, I couldn't get them to get me a console that wasn't already almost 7 years old, let alone a brand new game. By the time I was 13 I finally was able to convince my parents that "Resident Evil isn't THAT bad" but Left 4 Dead? That shit wasn't happening.
Just as aggravating is these kids playing Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 Super Deluxe Edition Go America Silver! Oh, wait, sorry, the official release didn't have a 4 in it, did it? It's as bad as fucking skeet fighter. And yeah, that link is extremely NSFW and pornographic, so watch out. Anyway, it just seriously bothers me that these ridiculously young kids are playing a game like this anyway for a few reasons, most of which I might get yelled at about, but the fact is that the online gaming world is plagued with punkasses like myself who grew up on shit like Counter.Strike and aren't really going to care if your "mommy doesn't like the f-word." Honestly, the last little kid who said "Don't say that word, it makes me sad" I literally replied "Well, you'll be hearin your mom scream it all night while I plow her cunt." Yeah, the online gaming world is no place for people under 16 at the very least.
One reason, and this is the one people might bitch at me about, is that violence in videogames does de-sensitize us to it. Bitch all you want about "no concrete studies" or "It's just a videogame, if they can't tell the difference between real life and a game, they were fucked to begin with" but the more photorealistic these games get, the harder it is to blur the line, and these games get so damn realistic that if you were to see the same shit in real life, you might not be able to tell the difference. All I'm saying is that between 8 and 16 is far too developmental a period for these kids to be playing games like Modern Warfare, Left 4 Dead 2, or any game that isn't on the Wii. Anyone under 8 probably shouldn't even try to play a game that isn't Super Mario Bros. The NES game. 8-bits, mutha-fukka!

"Hey baby, I wish I were DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes"


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